I am...

• 24
• Broken
• On the mend
• Lonely
• Crazy. Yes, CRAZY
• I take (my new favorite term) crazy pills
• A Daughter
• A Sister
• A Wife
• Mother
• I work part time
• Did I mention I'm crazy?

Mostly I don't really know who I am, I've recently come to realize that I've really lost myself in the last couple of years. And spiraled. Badly. Especially this past year.

People who I thought were closest to my heart got up and walked away and it sent me into the worst spiral darkness I've ever been in. I considered it a sort of "Rock Bottom" for myself. It really made me stop and evaluate my life and things that maybe needed to change.

Blogging is one of those things, I know if I read through my old stuff it's all over the place which I know can look and see my down spirals and my mania moments. Here it will all be together, I don't really care if anyone reads this either. This is for me to get back to a time where I have a (no matter what) safe place to express myself.

Friends was another. I'm still not sure how I will reapproach that road when it comes, I don't really trust myself with friendships at this point, new ones, or even old ones who've been there for me no matter what. Eventually I will get there but for now I am taking things one step at a time, and unfortunately that doesn't quite seem to be more important than the steps I'm currently taking. With exceptions of course, though not many.

Here's my story, at least part of it.

I was first diagnosed with depression in 2002. After battling on and off for 4 years with anti-depressants I was re-diagnosed in 2006 with bipolar disorder. But then I didn't really know what that meant other than I was crazy and had extreme mood swings. I never much looked into it either. My doctor put me on Lithium. Horrible drug if you ask me, but by that time I was so discouraged by any kind of pill that when I didn't like it I made a huge mistake in deciding to try to just self manage myself.

I thought I was doing well, and I was, sort of. Until I hit "Rock Bottom" did I truly see that I was not and could not manage my BPD on my own. It took me months of research and battles with myself to finally come to the decision to attempt the road to recovery once again. So here I am blogging like I used to when it helped me, attempting to figure out who I am or who I want to be not only for me but for my husband, and my kids as well.  I no longer want to live in that hole wishing for ways to not hurt or to cause hurt anymore. 

One of my biggest factors like I said my husband and kids. Mainly my oldest son T. He was diagnosed 2 years ago with ADHD and we've done everything that we can to keep him off medication at such a young age. But with all the research I've done about his diagnosis the more and more it points to not only ADHD (Almost to a t) but I see a lot of myself in him, and not necessarily good either. I see a LOT of my bipolar tendencies in him. For him they call that combination the Ring of Fire. How could I possibly attempt to get him the help he needs and deserves if I didn't seek my own help? How could I be such a hypocrite in such a way as that.

Yes it is a battle to find the right medication for myself, and I know that if/when we get to that point with T that it will be for him as well, but I want us as a family to heal, grow, and become the family that each of us deserves to have.

I'm rambling I know, but at this point I don't care because I am doing this for me. For once just once I am attempting to do something healthy for me and ultimately, my family.