I haven't taken the time to sit down and write in awhile. I know that I started my last post like this too.
So much has happened, and I have so much to say, but I'm not quite sure how to get it all out. The only thing I know is that I feel like I need to get it all out. I'm not even sure where to start.
In my last post I was struggling on whether or not to contact someone, eventually I decided that I was going to. However, I unblocked her on FB a couple days before I planned on emailing her my thoughts and feelings and she beat me to the punch so to speak. She apologized to me for many things and I to her. We decided to try to work through things rather than call it a loss. So far I am mostly pleased with the progress we have made, though I know that some are not. But it is ultimately my life and only I can make such decisions.
More onto what I really need to get off my chest though...
I am struggling. A lot, and I have been fighting with myself on a lot of things. I want to vent, scream off the rooftops, be angry, hit things, but most of all just cry.
I have been in daily pain since November. Mostly I chalked it up to not sleeping well, my bed is too hard, things are stressful, work caused the pain, etc. Up until recently I never thought more of it than any of that. Just that I hurt. And I hurt a lot. And that to me I feel like if I were to and when I do complain about it that I'm being a baby, that others have it worse than me, that maybe I was just being a hypochondriac. That surely none of the random pains I was feeling could mean anything and I would get over it. It's not just the pain that upsets me either, I am upset about a lot of things, the pain, the way that I look, the way that I feel all the time, etc.
Even writing this I feel like I am complaining too much, though I shouldn't care because I write this for me, and only me. I know people read it and that's great, but this is ultimately supposed to be my safe zone to just get it all out so to speak.
Finally I gave in and went to my doctor. To start I got back on my bipolar meds. They help, my mood, some. But nothing helps with the pain. You name it, I hurt there. I sucked it all up and talked to my doctor about it all. She put me in physical therapy. It helps. Very little, except water therapy, that helps a lot. I tell my doctor this, I still have 12 more physical therapy visits left. Twice a week for the next 6 weeks. The next 6 visits will be all water therapy to make sure that it truly does help. My doctor currently has me taking 2 mg of Risperdal and 2000 IU of Vitamin D as my vit D levels were quite low when they did blood work. She then diagnosed me (on top of BP) with Fibromyalgia.
This crushed me. I have heard of it before, hell I even know a couple of people who have previously been diagnosed with it. And they deal. One even told me its not fun but it could be worse. Now I fully agree, but I cannot stop from feeling like it is one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. I know that it could be worse, but not only have I been diagnosed with something that is incurable, I have been diagnosed with something that will cause people to look at me like I'm being a baby (for lack of a better term), I still push myself to do everything I've done before, but I pay for it dearly either at the end of the night or the next morning. Does this stop me? Do I stop overdoing it? No. Why? Because I don't want to look like a baby. I don't want to feel like one. Do I hurt? Yes. Can I get out of bed some mornings? Not right away. Imagine if you will (all these if you were out of shape), moving and packing a fully furnished unpacked 1400 sq ft 4 bedroom 2 bath house in 8 hours. Or walking the full length of the Denver Zoo, 10 times, in only a couple hours. Or whatever it is that you can do to where you fully feel like you've been hit by a train the next day. This is how I feel, every day.
Comments about how "it must be nice to sit around all day" or "exercise it'll make you feel better" cut through me. They hurt so bad. BUT I still do everything I can to act as though nothing is different during the week so that I don't let anyone down, so that I can't be accused of not doing enough.
How do I make this depressed feeling go away, how do I make the tears go away, how do I make the pain go away?
I just want to feel good again. Oh and I want my house back to just me, my hubby and the boys already, but that in itself is a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother day and a WHOLE 'nother entry.
Till Next Time...
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
To Write Or...
It's been awhile since I've taken the time to sit down and write, truly write, things out.
So much has happened since my last post in November. I had a job, we were not a good fit together. I didn't have a vehicle, now we both have cars. T was in a school where he was thoroughly unhappy and unfortunately bullied. We have struggled a lot over the past year but what I love about it most is that we have stuck together, grown as people and are slowly getting to a wonderful place in not only our lives, but as a couple, and a family.
I know that I have changed a lot about myself. I didn't realize then but two people took the time to point out my major flaws in myself. Though I was mad at first, well mad doesn't even cover it. I was pissed, hurt, sad, depressed, but more than anything I felt betrayed.
With that said, since then I have constantly thought about what was said, realized the truths in it and have done so much to improve upon myself to be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend. Hell just a better person. I focus more on my children and my husband, my home, and what little I have left in the way of friendships. But even though I feel like I have become a far better person than I was, and believe me looking back I don't like who I was a year ago, there is still a huge hole. A void. Something that I feel only one thing can fix, and that is either to repair what I let go out of anger, or get closure out of it.
Even though I have been wrestling with myself on whether or not to contact, well either one of them, how do you know if it is the right thing to do? How do you know if things like that are things you should attempt to change things with or if they are just better left alone? And if you leave things be, how do you fill the void of what was lost by something so close to your heart and soul?
On another note, the hubby and I have worked hard to both create better lives for our children. We have discussed at great lengths whether or not two incomes are better than one in our situation. We decided together that we will each go back to school and obtain degrees that will allow us both to do something we love as means of income instead of "dead-end" jobs.
Because my husband is so wonderful he has encouraged me to go to school first, as my degree will take far less time than his, and I am already not working so it doesn't really change our situation much. I am very grateful he has pushed me to go back to school for something I love, without him I probably never would have done all the work to make it possible and would have just left it as a dream. Nevertheless I am excited both for me, as well as my husband because it may take us a long time but we are both actually following our dreams. So after much frustration, hard work, determination, and fighting/bending to the schools ways I will be a full time student again starting this fall.
We have become more united on discipline for the boys. We have taken cautious steps into the medication world with our oldest and though we were scared at first but we are starting to see that although we may not agree with medication in T's interest it is what works the best for him. Helps him focus in school and at home, and what the three of us enjoy the most is he is no longer lashing out with bad behavior to get attention. We are able to go most places without issues, which allows for more family outings, he understands now that he is able to focus that bad behavior has consequences all the time and has been able to "mellow" out and stay out of trouble. Which without the negative behavior it allows for more quality "fun" time with all of us. And because of the work we have done with him to get us all on the same page, his brother has a much better attitude and understanding of how things are supposed to work as well. Which all around makes for better behavior and allows for more fun activities and outings.
I'm at the rambling point where I don't think I'm making much sense anymore So I'll just wrap it up. I had hoped by sitting down and writing that it would enable me on my decision of whether or not to make contact with her and see if anything good will come of it, but even though I feel as though I got a lot of things off my chest I'm still at a complete standstill with myself about whether or not I should/can write a simple email....
Till Next Time.
So much has happened since my last post in November. I had a job, we were not a good fit together. I didn't have a vehicle, now we both have cars. T was in a school where he was thoroughly unhappy and unfortunately bullied. We have struggled a lot over the past year but what I love about it most is that we have stuck together, grown as people and are slowly getting to a wonderful place in not only our lives, but as a couple, and a family.
I know that I have changed a lot about myself. I didn't realize then but two people took the time to point out my major flaws in myself. Though I was mad at first, well mad doesn't even cover it. I was pissed, hurt, sad, depressed, but more than anything I felt betrayed.
With that said, since then I have constantly thought about what was said, realized the truths in it and have done so much to improve upon myself to be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend. Hell just a better person. I focus more on my children and my husband, my home, and what little I have left in the way of friendships. But even though I feel like I have become a far better person than I was, and believe me looking back I don't like who I was a year ago, there is still a huge hole. A void. Something that I feel only one thing can fix, and that is either to repair what I let go out of anger, or get closure out of it.
Even though I have been wrestling with myself on whether or not to contact, well either one of them, how do you know if it is the right thing to do? How do you know if things like that are things you should attempt to change things with or if they are just better left alone? And if you leave things be, how do you fill the void of what was lost by something so close to your heart and soul?
On another note, the hubby and I have worked hard to both create better lives for our children. We have discussed at great lengths whether or not two incomes are better than one in our situation. We decided together that we will each go back to school and obtain degrees that will allow us both to do something we love as means of income instead of "dead-end" jobs.
Because my husband is so wonderful he has encouraged me to go to school first, as my degree will take far less time than his, and I am already not working so it doesn't really change our situation much. I am very grateful he has pushed me to go back to school for something I love, without him I probably never would have done all the work to make it possible and would have just left it as a dream. Nevertheless I am excited both for me, as well as my husband because it may take us a long time but we are both actually following our dreams. So after much frustration, hard work, determination, and fighting/bending to the schools ways I will be a full time student again starting this fall.
We have become more united on discipline for the boys. We have taken cautious steps into the medication world with our oldest and though we were scared at first but we are starting to see that although we may not agree with medication in T's interest it is what works the best for him. Helps him focus in school and at home, and what the three of us enjoy the most is he is no longer lashing out with bad behavior to get attention. We are able to go most places without issues, which allows for more family outings, he understands now that he is able to focus that bad behavior has consequences all the time and has been able to "mellow" out and stay out of trouble. Which without the negative behavior it allows for more quality "fun" time with all of us. And because of the work we have done with him to get us all on the same page, his brother has a much better attitude and understanding of how things are supposed to work as well. Which all around makes for better behavior and allows for more fun activities and outings.
I'm at the rambling point where I don't think I'm making much sense anymore So I'll just wrap it up. I had hoped by sitting down and writing that it would enable me on my decision of whether or not to make contact with her and see if anything good will come of it, but even though I feel as though I got a lot of things off my chest I'm still at a complete standstill with myself about whether or not I should/can write a simple email....
Till Next Time.
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