It's been awhile since I've taken the time to sit down and write, truly write, things out.
So much has happened since my last post in November. I had a job, we were not a good fit together. I didn't have a vehicle, now we both have cars. T was in a school where he was thoroughly unhappy and unfortunately bullied. We have struggled a lot over the past year but what I love about it most is that we have stuck together, grown as people and are slowly getting to a wonderful place in not only our lives, but as a couple, and a family.
I know that I have changed a lot about myself. I didn't realize then but two people took the time to point out my major flaws in myself. Though I was mad at first, well mad doesn't even cover it. I was pissed, hurt, sad, depressed, but more than anything I felt betrayed.
With that said, since then I have constantly thought about what was said, realized the truths in it and have done so much to improve upon myself to be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend. Hell just a better person. I focus more on my children and my husband, my home, and what little I have left in the way of friendships. But even though I feel like I have become a far better person than I was, and believe me looking back I don't like who I was a year ago, there is still a huge hole. A void. Something that I feel only one thing can fix, and that is either to repair what I let go out of anger, or get closure out of it.
Even though I have been wrestling with myself on whether or not to contact, well either one of them, how do you know if it is the right thing to do? How do you know if things like that are things you should attempt to change things with or if they are just better left alone? And if you leave things be, how do you fill the void of what was lost by something so close to your heart and soul?
On another note, the hubby and I have worked hard to both create better lives for our children. We have discussed at great lengths whether or not two incomes are better than one in our situation. We decided together that we will each go back to school and obtain degrees that will allow us both to do something we love as means of income instead of "dead-end" jobs.
Because my husband is so wonderful he has encouraged me to go to school first, as my degree will take far less time than his, and I am already not working so it doesn't really change our situation much. I am very grateful he has pushed me to go back to school for something I love, without him I probably never would have done all the work to make it possible and would have just left it as a dream. Nevertheless I am excited both for me, as well as my husband because it may take us a long time but we are both actually following our dreams. So after much frustration, hard work, determination, and fighting/bending to the schools ways I will be a full time student again starting this fall.
We have become more united on discipline for the boys. We have taken cautious steps into the medication world with our oldest and though we were scared at first but we are starting to see that although we may not agree with medication in T's interest it is what works the best for him. Helps him focus in school and at home, and what the three of us enjoy the most is he is no longer lashing out with bad behavior to get attention. We are able to go most places without issues, which allows for more family outings, he understands now that he is able to focus that bad behavior has consequences all the time and has been able to "mellow" out and stay out of trouble. Which without the negative behavior it allows for more quality "fun" time with all of us. And because of the work we have done with him to get us all on the same page, his brother has a much better attitude and understanding of how things are supposed to work as well. Which all around makes for better behavior and allows for more fun activities and outings.
I'm at the rambling point where I don't think I'm making much sense anymore So I'll just wrap it up. I had hoped by sitting down and writing that it would enable me on my decision of whether or not to make contact with her and see if anything good will come of it, but even though I feel as though I got a lot of things off my chest I'm still at a complete standstill with myself about whether or not I should/can write a simple email....
Till Next Time.
