I haven't taken the time to sit down and write in awhile. I know that I started my last post like this too.
So much has happened, and I have so much to say, but I'm not quite sure how to get it all out. The only thing I know is that I feel like I need to get it all out. I'm not even sure where to start.
In my last post I was struggling on whether or not to contact someone, eventually I decided that I was going to. However, I unblocked her on FB a couple days before I planned on emailing her my thoughts and feelings and she beat me to the punch so to speak. She apologized to me for many things and I to her. We decided to try to work through things rather than call it a loss. So far I am mostly pleased with the progress we have made, though I know that some are not. But it is ultimately my life and only I can make such decisions.
More onto what I really need to get off my chest though...
I am struggling. A lot, and I have been fighting with myself on a lot of things. I want to vent, scream off the rooftops, be angry, hit things, but most of all just cry.
I have been in daily pain since November. Mostly I chalked it up to not sleeping well, my bed is too hard, things are stressful, work caused the pain, etc. Up until recently I never thought more of it than any of that. Just that I hurt. And I hurt a lot. And that to me I feel like if I were to and when I do complain about it that I'm being a baby, that others have it worse than me, that maybe I was just being a hypochondriac. That surely none of the random pains I was feeling could mean anything and I would get over it. It's not just the pain that upsets me either, I am upset about a lot of things, the pain, the way that I look, the way that I feel all the time, etc.
Even writing this I feel like I am complaining too much, though I shouldn't care because I write this for me, and only me. I know people read it and that's great, but this is ultimately supposed to be my safe zone to just get it all out so to speak.
Finally I gave in and went to my doctor. To start I got back on my bipolar meds. They help, my mood, some. But nothing helps with the pain. You name it, I hurt there. I sucked it all up and talked to my doctor about it all. She put me in physical therapy. It helps. Very little, except water therapy, that helps a lot. I tell my doctor this, I still have 12 more physical therapy visits left. Twice a week for the next 6 weeks. The next 6 visits will be all water therapy to make sure that it truly does help. My doctor currently has me taking 2 mg of Risperdal and 2000 IU of Vitamin D as my vit D levels were quite low when they did blood work. She then diagnosed me (on top of BP) with Fibromyalgia.
This crushed me. I have heard of it before, hell I even know a couple of people who have previously been diagnosed with it. And they deal. One even told me its not fun but it could be worse. Now I fully agree, but I cannot stop from feeling like it is one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. I know that it could be worse, but not only have I been diagnosed with something that is incurable, I have been diagnosed with something that will cause people to look at me like I'm being a baby (for lack of a better term), I still push myself to do everything I've done before, but I pay for it dearly either at the end of the night or the next morning. Does this stop me? Do I stop overdoing it? No. Why? Because I don't want to look like a baby. I don't want to feel like one. Do I hurt? Yes. Can I get out of bed some mornings? Not right away. Imagine if you will (all these if you were out of shape), moving and packing a fully furnished unpacked 1400 sq ft 4 bedroom 2 bath house in 8 hours. Or walking the full length of the Denver Zoo, 10 times, in only a couple hours. Or whatever it is that you can do to where you fully feel like you've been hit by a train the next day. This is how I feel, every day.
Comments about how "it must be nice to sit around all day" or "exercise it'll make you feel better" cut through me. They hurt so bad. BUT I still do everything I can to act as though nothing is different during the week so that I don't let anyone down, so that I can't be accused of not doing enough.
How do I make this depressed feeling go away, how do I make the tears go away, how do I make the pain go away?
I just want to feel good again. Oh and I want my house back to just me, my hubby and the boys already, but that in itself is a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother day and a WHOLE 'nother entry.
Till Next Time...
