I've felt it before but never quite like this. I've never felt so alone, so secluded and so ashamed of who I am. But who am I? I have been so lost I don't even know how to answer that. What I do know how to answer is how I feel.
Alone. Ashamed. Like a failure.
I feel like I'm drowning. That no matter what I do nothing is right. Nothing is progressive or productive. In the house I clean on end but yet the house is never clean.
The kids I've tried everything I can think to do and no progress, if anything that continues to head in the wrong direction. Anytime I start to believe we're making progress we have a day that puts us back at square one and we have to start from the beginning again. Like clockwork.
With friends no one ever stays long or close. It makes me needy, makes me make decisions that I don't like to have people in my life. A friend of mine asked a few weeks ago when I'll stop letting people walk all over me and I couldn't bring myself to tell her why I can't stop. I know why and I know it's not healthy. But is being a complete hermit healthy? But at the same time that's pretty much what I am. I cannot go anywhere because of my failure as a mother does not allow me to. I'm lucky if I can get through a 10 minute trip to the store with the boys and not have an incident in the store with their behavior. I can't even go to a dinner with the family without having to leave early due to the way that they act and the lack of control that I have. With the fears I have of what is necessary to gain that control.
With school. Oh school. A year in and I've already changed my major once but even so I don't feel as though I'm doing something that I
Every single thing that I do is met with some kind of negativity from someone. Always. Tell everyone I'm getting married or later that I was going to have a baby with my husband (five years ago), supposed to be happy news and I'm met with "why?" "Why would you do that, you can't handle what you have already." Tell people I'm going back to school and I get "why would you waste your time doing that?" I get ONE pet and all I hear is "why? What good is that going to do other than put more stress on your finances." Bought a car and I hear "why do you guys need two vehicles?" Buy a house that we can call our own for as long as we choose and it's "why waste the money on that?"
Not one single decision in my life is ever good enough. Why do I have to be such a failure and so worthless? Why doesn't anyone see how devoted I am to those that I love? Why can't I just do one single thing right? Even when I think the right decision is to keep my mouth shut I'm still met with a ton of questions about how even that is the wrong thing to do.
I'm so tired of fighting this battle but there is some form of it with each and every person I consider myself close to. But when I do open up and am honest about my feelings even then by people that I trust I am knocked down even further because of those feelings. So where do I turn? Here. Where I can just write and get it all out. Hell 90% of me just wants to close this window and leave it be, continue to keep my mouth and mind shut about it all. But this is supposed to be the one place I can go and just let my feelings flow.
Not that any of this was constructive in anyway and it's a jumbled up attempt to sort out the things in my head. An unsuccessful one at that.
Fuck it.
