June 8, 2013

Alone.

I've felt it before but never quite like this. I've never felt so alone, so secluded and so ashamed of who I am. But who am I? I have been so lost I don't even know how to answer that. What I do know how to answer is how I feel.

Alone. Ashamed. Like a failure.

I feel like I'm drowning. That no matter what I do nothing is right. Nothing is progressive or productive. In the house I clean on end but yet the house is never clean.

The kids I've tried everything I can think to do and no progress, if anything that continues to head in the wrong direction. Anytime I start to believe we're making progress we have a day that puts us back at square one and we have to start from the beginning again. Like clockwork.

With friends no one ever stays long or close. It makes me needy, makes me make decisions that I don't like to have people in my life. A friend of mine asked a few weeks ago when I'll stop letting people walk all over me and I couldn't bring myself to tell her why I can't stop. I know why and I know it's not healthy. But is being a complete hermit healthy? But at the same time that's pretty much what I am. I cannot go anywhere because of my failure as a mother does not allow me to. I'm lucky if I can get through a 10 minute trip to the store with the boys and not have an incident in the store with their behavior. I can't even go to a dinner with the family without having to leave early due to the way that they act and the lack of control that I have. With the fears I have of what is necessary to gain that control.

With school. Oh school. A year in and I've already changed my major once but even so I don't feel as though I'm doing something that I want to can do. But if I can go back next semester I am determined to finish just so I have one thing I have not failed at. So that for once I can make someone proud of me because I know that nothing else I do makes anyone proud. Let alone myself.

Every single thing that I do is met with some kind of negativity from someone. Always. Tell everyone I'm getting married or later that I was going to have a baby with my husband (five years ago), supposed to be happy news and I'm met with "why?" "Why would you do that, you can't handle what you have already." Tell people I'm going back to school and I get "why would you waste your time doing that?" I get ONE pet and all I hear is "why? What good is that going to do other than put more stress on your finances." Bought a car and I hear "why do you guys need two vehicles?" Buy a house that we can call our own for as long as we choose and it's "why waste the money on that?"

Not one single decision in my life is ever good enough. Why do I have to be such a failure and so worthless? Why doesn't anyone see how devoted I am to those that I love? Why can't I just do one single thing right? Even when I think the right decision is to keep my mouth shut I'm still met with a ton of questions about how even that is the wrong thing to do.

I'm so tired of fighting this battle but there is some form of it with each and every person I consider myself close to. But when I do open up and am honest about my feelings even then by people that I trust I am knocked down even further because of those feelings. So where do I turn? Here. Where I can just write and get it all out. Hell 90% of me just wants to close this window and leave it be, continue to keep my mouth and mind shut about it all. But this is supposed to be the one place I can go and just let my feelings flow.

Not that any of this was constructive in anyway and it's a jumbled up attempt to sort out the things in my head. An unsuccessful one at that.

Fuck it.

Been Gone

I haven't taken the time to sit down and write in awhile. I know that I started my last post like this too.

So much has happened, and I have so much to say, but I'm not quite sure how to get it all out. The only thing I know is that I feel like I need to get it all out. I'm not even sure where to start.

In my last post I was struggling on whether or not to contact someone, eventually I decided that I was going to. However, I unblocked her on FB a couple days before I planned on emailing her my thoughts and feelings and she beat me to the punch so to speak. She apologized to me for many things and I to her. We decided to try to work through things rather than call it a loss. So far I am mostly pleased with the progress we have made, though I know that some are not. But it is ultimately my life and only I can make such decisions.

More onto what I really need to get off my chest though...

I am struggling. A lot, and I have been fighting with myself on a lot of things. I want to vent, scream off the rooftops, be angry, hit things, but most of all just cry.

I have been in daily pain since November. Mostly I chalked it up to not sleeping well, my bed is too hard, things are stressful, work caused the pain, etc.  Up until recently I never thought more of it than any of that. Just that I hurt. And I hurt a lot. And that to me I feel like if I were to and when I do complain about it that I'm being a baby, that others have it worse than me, that maybe I was just being a hypochondriac. That surely none of the random pains I was feeling could mean anything and I would get over it. It's not just the pain that upsets me either, I am upset about a lot of things, the pain, the way that I look, the way that I feel all the time, etc.

Even writing this I feel like I am complaining too much, though I shouldn't care because I write this for me, and only me. I know people read it and that's great, but this is ultimately supposed to be my safe zone to just get it all out so to speak.

Finally I gave in and went to my doctor.  To start I got back on my bipolar meds. They help, my mood, some. But nothing helps with the pain. You name it, I hurt there. I sucked it all up and talked to my doctor about it all. She put me in physical therapy. It helps. Very little, except water therapy, that helps a lot.  I tell my doctor this, I still have 12 more physical therapy visits left. Twice a week for the next 6 weeks. The next 6 visits will be all water therapy to make sure that it truly does help. My doctor currently has me taking 2 mg of Risperdal and 2000 IU of Vitamin D as my vit D levels were quite low when they did blood work. She then diagnosed me (on top of BP) with Fibromyalgia.

This crushed me. I have heard of it before, hell I even know a couple of people who have previously been diagnosed with it. And they deal. One even told me its not fun but it could be worse. Now I fully agree, but I cannot stop from feeling like it is one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. I know that it could be worse, but not only have I been diagnosed with something that is incurable, I have been diagnosed with something that will cause people to look at me like I'm being a baby (for lack of a better term), I still push myself to do everything I've done before, but I pay for it dearly either at the end of the night or the next morning. Does this stop me? Do I stop overdoing it? No. Why? Because I don't want to look like a baby. I don't want to feel like one. Do I hurt? Yes. Can I get out of bed some mornings? Not right away. Imagine if you will (all these if you were out of shape), moving and packing a fully furnished unpacked 1400 sq ft 4 bedroom 2 bath house in 8 hours. Or walking the full length of the Denver Zoo, 10 times, in only a couple hours. Or whatever it is that you can do to where you fully feel like you've been hit by a train the next day. This is how I feel, every day.

Comments about how "it must be nice to sit around all day" or "exercise it'll make you feel better" cut through me. They hurt so bad. BUT I still do everything I can to act as though nothing is different during the week so that I don't let anyone down, so that I can't be accused of not doing enough.

How do I make this depressed feeling go away, how do I make the tears go away, how do I make the pain go away?

I just want to feel good again. Oh and I want my house back to just me, my hubby and the boys already, but that in itself is a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother day and a WHOLE 'nother entry.

Till Next Time...

To Write Or...

It's been awhile since I've taken the time to sit down and write, truly write, things out.

So much has happened since my last post in November. I had a job, we were not a good fit together. I didn't have a vehicle, now we both have cars. T was in a school where he was thoroughly unhappy and unfortunately bullied. We have struggled a lot over the past year but what I love about it most is that we have stuck together, grown as people and are slowly getting to a wonderful place in not only our lives, but as a couple, and a family.

I know that I have changed a lot about myself. I didn't realize then but two people took the time to point out my major flaws in myself. Though I was mad at first, well mad doesn't even cover it. I was pissed, hurt, sad, depressed, but more than anything I felt betrayed.

With that said, since then I have constantly thought about what was said, realized the truths in it and have done so much to improve upon myself to be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend. Hell just a better person. I focus more on my children and my husband, my home, and what little I have left in the way of friendships.  But even though I feel like I have become a far better person than I was, and believe me looking back I don't like who I was a year ago, there is still a huge hole. A void. Something that I feel only one thing can fix, and that is either to repair what I let go out of anger, or get closure out of it.

Even though I have been wrestling with myself on whether or not to contact, well either one of them, how do you know if it is the right thing to do? How do you know if things like that are things you should attempt to change things with or if they are just better left alone? And if you leave things be, how do you fill the void of what was lost by something so close to your heart and soul?

On another note, the hubby and I have worked hard to both create better lives for our children. We have discussed at great lengths whether or not two incomes are better than one in our situation. We decided together that we will each go back to school and obtain degrees that will allow us both to do something we love as means of income instead of "dead-end" jobs.

Because my husband is so wonderful he has encouraged me to go to school first, as my degree will take far less time than his, and I am already not working so it doesn't really change our situation much. I am very grateful he has pushed me to go back to school for something I love, without him I probably never would have done all the work to make it possible and would have just left it as a dream. Nevertheless I am excited both for me, as well as my husband because it may take us a long time but we are both actually following our dreams. So after much frustration, hard work, determination, and fighting/bending to the schools ways I will be a full time student again starting this fall.

We have become more united on discipline for the boys. We have taken cautious steps into the medication world with our oldest and though we were scared at first but we are starting to see that although we may not agree with medication in T's interest it is what works the best for him. Helps him focus in school and at home, and what the three of us enjoy the most is he is no longer lashing out with bad behavior to get attention. We are able to go most places without issues, which allows for more family outings, he understands now that he is able to focus that bad behavior has consequences all the time and has been able to "mellow" out and stay out of trouble.  Which without the negative behavior it allows for more quality "fun" time with all of us. And because of the work we have done with him to get us all on the same page, his brother has a much better attitude and  understanding of how things are supposed to work as well. Which all around makes for better behavior and allows for more fun activities and outings.

I'm at the rambling point where I don't think I'm making much sense anymore So I'll just wrap it up. I had hoped by sitting down and writing that it would enable me on my decision of whether or not to make contact with her and see if anything good will come of it, but even though I feel as though I got a lot of things off my chest I'm still at a complete standstill with myself about whether or not I should/can write a simple email....

Till Next Time.

Wonder...

I've been wondering lately.

Wondering what my life would be like if I had taken control over my life a long time ago. Or even if I take control now.

What would happen if I followed my dreams. My heart? What would change? Would it bring me to happiness?

I've started to regain control and yet even though I feel like I am moving in the right direction it feels as though so many other things are falling apart.  Why is that? Is there more changes, other than the obvious, that need to be made? Maybe ones that I don't truly want to see or admit to.

I sit and ask myself constantly, am I happy? Not just in the moment, but in it for the long haul happy with the way things are going and they way things will end up being? And if I'm not now is it possible to get back to being so? I'm not so sure that it is most days.

I know the things that I long for, the things that I want, not only for myself but for my boys as well, but the question is am I strong enough to obtain those things? To do whatever is deemed necessary to get there? That I don't know.

I know that I have changed so many things in my life over the past few months but yet, it never feels like enough. It feels as though each step I take towards becoming the person I feel like I want to be that other things are piece by piece falling apart, and the only way to stop it is to stop moving forward in what I am doing. But I don't want to stop, I finally feel as though I'm doing what I want, doing what will better my life and my children's lives but why does it feel like I am sacrificing something I shouldn't? Or is it that what it feels as though I am sacrificing isn't truly what it appears to be?

Or is there more to it all?

Happy...

Is it possible to be truly happy? Are you happy? Are you happy with all the aspects of your life, with all the decisions you've made, with the person that you are?

I find myself wondering more and more lately if I am truly happy. If I have all the things in life that I would like to have for myself. But then at the same time I realize that I am missing a lot of things that I wish that I had. The problem is I don't know how to fix it.

The problem is not knowing. Not knowing how to fix it because it is not a problem on my end, at least I don't think that it is, because I've changed so many things about myself to recapture that happiness but still can't put my finger on what to do.

I've gone back on my meds (well sort of, I've been off them 2 days now because I'm out), I've gone back to work, which is a decision that I am happy with. My next step is to go back to school. But there's still. Something. Missing.

I know that I long for affection and intimacy again but I don't know how to acquire these things again. I long for great friendships, for someone to hang out with that actually likes me for me not for what I can do for them. But how can I obtain these things. That is what I do not know.

I'm so tired of struggling and fighting for glimpses of happiness. How can I get these things back?

How can I get out of this funk?

Regrets

Regrets. We all have them. What are yours? Mine when I think of them come out more as a letter to not just one but many people all rolled into one big fat letter. One of which that I keep thinking about so I'm just gonna get it out.

I regret what I let myself turn into because of you. I regret letting myself follow a path that I knew to be dangerous.

I regret who I was a few months ago, but only for the fact that when I look back now I see that I had somehow slipped into a phase in my life where for a long while I was truly an ugly person. Not necessarily ugly outside but definitely ugly inside. I wish I'd never let myself slip into such a darkness in my life. I was so caught up in "he said, she said" that I didn't stop to appreciate the good things in life. I was consumed by drama, for which I paid a very dear price.

I regret never standing up for myself, with anyone, ever. And in the extremely limited times that I did, I regret that they were at inappropriate times that came with heavy sacrifices. Ones that I deeply regret. I regret them because I lost relationships that were very valuable to me. And though I may still talk to those people I can never have that trust, and friendship back to those levels, ever. And losing those friendships I regret the most.

I regret being someone that is so unstable that even the good relationships in my life I somehow sabotage them, and not for good reasons. It's always for petty stupid drama filled childish reasons. I regret who I was.

I regret not spending more time with those I truly loved and cherished. And not telling them that I loved them more often. For that is time I'll never get back.

I do not, however, regret who I am becoming. Because I am turning into someone that I like. I am becoming a mentally healthy person, a huge part of that is thanks to my crazy pills. I may be a bit lonely because I don't feel as if I truly have one of those close "best" (female) friends anymore, but my home is cleaner, my kids are more well behaved (I know the grammar sucks there), my marriage is healthier, and I am getting to a mentally healthier spot. And that is something I have no regrets for. The rest I know will fall into place eventually, even if I am all jumbled up right now...

And that's all that really matters.

Ever...

Do you ever sit and wonder, just wonder about things?

I do.

I wonder about the things that have been, things to come. The whats. The whys. Especially the whys.

I find myself wondering more and more lately why things had to happen the way that they did. What I could have done differently to make things better, to make them different. But then I wonder, would I want them different? Would that even make anything better if they were? What is it about different that people always think is better.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but yet, somehow that's not quite enough. I constantly doubt my decisions everyday. Did I do the right thing, make the right choice? Will my choices lead me down the right path? And if not, will I catch it in time not to get back to that place I'm fighting so hard to get away from.

All I can think about is that I don't want to go back to that nasty black hole I was in. I don't even want to ever be near that point again. To me that was rock bottom and damnit I'm never going back.

As much as it hurt and still hurts I know that the people that walked out of my life and that I cut out of my life, not matter how much I miss them and it hurts that they are gone, I know, know, that it's for the best. Its the only way for me to get healthy mentally again. But damn does it really have to suck this much?

Or at that is it really so much to ask that I just have one friend, that will hang out with me, i can confide everything in, that's truly my "bestie". I know I have M. But I really want a friend like this that is a female. And I think I have one, at least I have a female friendship growing into that, I think. K know's how I feel, exactly, how I think, how I react. I have only had an instant connection like that once before, and you know what? I wonder what if?

What if the pain that I went through the other time happens again. What if she gets "sick" of me the way B did? What if I give my full 100% no holds barred trust and I get crushed?

BUT...


What if I give her that trust and it turns out fantastic?

Wow I'm really all over the place, very disorganized thought process.

What if any of this made sense to someone, anyone, other than me?