Ever...

Do you ever sit and wonder, just wonder about things?

I do.

I wonder about the things that have been, things to come. The whats. The whys. Especially the whys.

I find myself wondering more and more lately why things had to happen the way that they did. What I could have done differently to make things better, to make them different. But then I wonder, would I want them different? Would that even make anything better if they were? What is it about different that people always think is better.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but yet, somehow that's not quite enough. I constantly doubt my decisions everyday. Did I do the right thing, make the right choice? Will my choices lead me down the right path? And if not, will I catch it in time not to get back to that place I'm fighting so hard to get away from.

All I can think about is that I don't want to go back to that nasty black hole I was in. I don't even want to ever be near that point again. To me that was rock bottom and damnit I'm never going back.

As much as it hurt and still hurts I know that the people that walked out of my life and that I cut out of my life, not matter how much I miss them and it hurts that they are gone, I know, know, that it's for the best. Its the only way for me to get healthy mentally again. But damn does it really have to suck this much?

Or at that is it really so much to ask that I just have one friend, that will hang out with me, i can confide everything in, that's truly my "bestie". I know I have M. But I really want a friend like this that is a female. And I think I have one, at least I have a female friendship growing into that, I think. K know's how I feel, exactly, how I think, how I react. I have only had an instant connection like that once before, and you know what? I wonder what if?

What if the pain that I went through the other time happens again. What if she gets "sick" of me the way B did? What if I give my full 100% no holds barred trust and I get crushed?

BUT...


What if I give her that trust and it turns out fantastic?

Wow I'm really all over the place, very disorganized thought process.

What if any of this made sense to someone, anyone, other than me?