Regrets

Regrets. We all have them. What are yours? Mine when I think of them come out more as a letter to not just one but many people all rolled into one big fat letter. One of which that I keep thinking about so I'm just gonna get it out.

I regret what I let myself turn into because of you. I regret letting myself follow a path that I knew to be dangerous.

I regret who I was a few months ago, but only for the fact that when I look back now I see that I had somehow slipped into a phase in my life where for a long while I was truly an ugly person. Not necessarily ugly outside but definitely ugly inside. I wish I'd never let myself slip into such a darkness in my life. I was so caught up in "he said, she said" that I didn't stop to appreciate the good things in life. I was consumed by drama, for which I paid a very dear price.

I regret never standing up for myself, with anyone, ever. And in the extremely limited times that I did, I regret that they were at inappropriate times that came with heavy sacrifices. Ones that I deeply regret. I regret them because I lost relationships that were very valuable to me. And though I may still talk to those people I can never have that trust, and friendship back to those levels, ever. And losing those friendships I regret the most.

I regret being someone that is so unstable that even the good relationships in my life I somehow sabotage them, and not for good reasons. It's always for petty stupid drama filled childish reasons. I regret who I was.

I regret not spending more time with those I truly loved and cherished. And not telling them that I loved them more often. For that is time I'll never get back.

I do not, however, regret who I am becoming. Because I am turning into someone that I like. I am becoming a mentally healthy person, a huge part of that is thanks to my crazy pills. I may be a bit lonely because I don't feel as if I truly have one of those close "best" (female) friends anymore, but my home is cleaner, my kids are more well behaved (I know the grammar sucks there), my marriage is healthier, and I am getting to a mentally healthier spot. And that is something I have no regrets for. The rest I know will fall into place eventually, even if I am all jumbled up right now...

And that's all that really matters.