Wonder...

I've been wondering lately.

Wondering what my life would be like if I had taken control over my life a long time ago. Or even if I take control now.

What would happen if I followed my dreams. My heart? What would change? Would it bring me to happiness?

I've started to regain control and yet even though I feel like I am moving in the right direction it feels as though so many other things are falling apart.  Why is that? Is there more changes, other than the obvious, that need to be made? Maybe ones that I don't truly want to see or admit to.

I sit and ask myself constantly, am I happy? Not just in the moment, but in it for the long haul happy with the way things are going and they way things will end up being? And if I'm not now is it possible to get back to being so? I'm not so sure that it is most days.

I know the things that I long for, the things that I want, not only for myself but for my boys as well, but the question is am I strong enough to obtain those things? To do whatever is deemed necessary to get there? That I don't know.

I know that I have changed so many things in my life over the past few months but yet, it never feels like enough. It feels as though each step I take towards becoming the person I feel like I want to be that other things are piece by piece falling apart, and the only way to stop it is to stop moving forward in what I am doing. But I don't want to stop, I finally feel as though I'm doing what I want, doing what will better my life and my children's lives but why does it feel like I am sacrificing something I shouldn't? Or is it that what it feels as though I am sacrificing isn't truly what it appears to be?

Or is there more to it all?