Wonder...

I've been wondering lately.

Wondering what my life would be like if I had taken control over my life a long time ago. Or even if I take control now.

What would happen if I followed my dreams. My heart? What would change? Would it bring me to happiness?

I've started to regain control and yet even though I feel like I am moving in the right direction it feels as though so many other things are falling apart.  Why is that? Is there more changes, other than the obvious, that need to be made? Maybe ones that I don't truly want to see or admit to.

I sit and ask myself constantly, am I happy? Not just in the moment, but in it for the long haul happy with the way things are going and they way things will end up being? And if I'm not now is it possible to get back to being so? I'm not so sure that it is most days.

I know the things that I long for, the things that I want, not only for myself but for my boys as well, but the question is am I strong enough to obtain those things? To do whatever is deemed necessary to get there? That I don't know.

I know that I have changed so many things in my life over the past few months but yet, it never feels like enough. It feels as though each step I take towards becoming the person I feel like I want to be that other things are piece by piece falling apart, and the only way to stop it is to stop moving forward in what I am doing. But I don't want to stop, I finally feel as though I'm doing what I want, doing what will better my life and my children's lives but why does it feel like I am sacrificing something I shouldn't? Or is it that what it feels as though I am sacrificing isn't truly what it appears to be?

Or is there more to it all?

Happy...

Is it possible to be truly happy? Are you happy? Are you happy with all the aspects of your life, with all the decisions you've made, with the person that you are?

I find myself wondering more and more lately if I am truly happy. If I have all the things in life that I would like to have for myself. But then at the same time I realize that I am missing a lot of things that I wish that I had. The problem is I don't know how to fix it.

The problem is not knowing. Not knowing how to fix it because it is not a problem on my end, at least I don't think that it is, because I've changed so many things about myself to recapture that happiness but still can't put my finger on what to do.

I've gone back on my meds (well sort of, I've been off them 2 days now because I'm out), I've gone back to work, which is a decision that I am happy with. My next step is to go back to school. But there's still. Something. Missing.

I know that I long for affection and intimacy again but I don't know how to acquire these things again. I long for great friendships, for someone to hang out with that actually likes me for me not for what I can do for them. But how can I obtain these things. That is what I do not know.

I'm so tired of struggling and fighting for glimpses of happiness. How can I get these things back?

How can I get out of this funk?

Regrets

Regrets. We all have them. What are yours? Mine when I think of them come out more as a letter to not just one but many people all rolled into one big fat letter. One of which that I keep thinking about so I'm just gonna get it out.

I regret what I let myself turn into because of you. I regret letting myself follow a path that I knew to be dangerous.

I regret who I was a few months ago, but only for the fact that when I look back now I see that I had somehow slipped into a phase in my life where for a long while I was truly an ugly person. Not necessarily ugly outside but definitely ugly inside. I wish I'd never let myself slip into such a darkness in my life. I was so caught up in "he said, she said" that I didn't stop to appreciate the good things in life. I was consumed by drama, for which I paid a very dear price.

I regret never standing up for myself, with anyone, ever. And in the extremely limited times that I did, I regret that they were at inappropriate times that came with heavy sacrifices. Ones that I deeply regret. I regret them because I lost relationships that were very valuable to me. And though I may still talk to those people I can never have that trust, and friendship back to those levels, ever. And losing those friendships I regret the most.

I regret being someone that is so unstable that even the good relationships in my life I somehow sabotage them, and not for good reasons. It's always for petty stupid drama filled childish reasons. I regret who I was.

I regret not spending more time with those I truly loved and cherished. And not telling them that I loved them more often. For that is time I'll never get back.

I do not, however, regret who I am becoming. Because I am turning into someone that I like. I am becoming a mentally healthy person, a huge part of that is thanks to my crazy pills. I may be a bit lonely because I don't feel as if I truly have one of those close "best" (female) friends anymore, but my home is cleaner, my kids are more well behaved (I know the grammar sucks there), my marriage is healthier, and I am getting to a mentally healthier spot. And that is something I have no regrets for. The rest I know will fall into place eventually, even if I am all jumbled up right now...

And that's all that really matters.

Ever...

Do you ever sit and wonder, just wonder about things?

I do.

I wonder about the things that have been, things to come. The whats. The whys. Especially the whys.

I find myself wondering more and more lately why things had to happen the way that they did. What I could have done differently to make things better, to make them different. But then I wonder, would I want them different? Would that even make anything better if they were? What is it about different that people always think is better.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but yet, somehow that's not quite enough. I constantly doubt my decisions everyday. Did I do the right thing, make the right choice? Will my choices lead me down the right path? And if not, will I catch it in time not to get back to that place I'm fighting so hard to get away from.

All I can think about is that I don't want to go back to that nasty black hole I was in. I don't even want to ever be near that point again. To me that was rock bottom and damnit I'm never going back.

As much as it hurt and still hurts I know that the people that walked out of my life and that I cut out of my life, not matter how much I miss them and it hurts that they are gone, I know, know, that it's for the best. Its the only way for me to get healthy mentally again. But damn does it really have to suck this much?

Or at that is it really so much to ask that I just have one friend, that will hang out with me, i can confide everything in, that's truly my "bestie". I know I have M. But I really want a friend like this that is a female. And I think I have one, at least I have a female friendship growing into that, I think. K know's how I feel, exactly, how I think, how I react. I have only had an instant connection like that once before, and you know what? I wonder what if?

What if the pain that I went through the other time happens again. What if she gets "sick" of me the way B did? What if I give my full 100% no holds barred trust and I get crushed?

BUT...


What if I give her that trust and it turns out fantastic?

Wow I'm really all over the place, very disorganized thought process.

What if any of this made sense to someone, anyone, other than me?

I am...

• 24
• Broken
• On the mend
• Lonely
• Crazy. Yes, CRAZY
• I take (my new favorite term) crazy pills
• A Daughter
• A Sister
• A Wife
• Mother
• I work part time
• Did I mention I'm crazy?

Mostly I don't really know who I am, I've recently come to realize that I've really lost myself in the last couple of years. And spiraled. Badly. Especially this past year.

People who I thought were closest to my heart got up and walked away and it sent me into the worst spiral darkness I've ever been in. I considered it a sort of "Rock Bottom" for myself. It really made me stop and evaluate my life and things that maybe needed to change.

Blogging is one of those things, I know if I read through my old stuff it's all over the place which I know can look and see my down spirals and my mania moments. Here it will all be together, I don't really care if anyone reads this either. This is for me to get back to a time where I have a (no matter what) safe place to express myself.

Friends was another. I'm still not sure how I will reapproach that road when it comes, I don't really trust myself with friendships at this point, new ones, or even old ones who've been there for me no matter what. Eventually I will get there but for now I am taking things one step at a time, and unfortunately that doesn't quite seem to be more important than the steps I'm currently taking. With exceptions of course, though not many.

Here's my story, at least part of it.

I was first diagnosed with depression in 2002. After battling on and off for 4 years with anti-depressants I was re-diagnosed in 2006 with bipolar disorder. But then I didn't really know what that meant other than I was crazy and had extreme mood swings. I never much looked into it either. My doctor put me on Lithium. Horrible drug if you ask me, but by that time I was so discouraged by any kind of pill that when I didn't like it I made a huge mistake in deciding to try to just self manage myself.

I thought I was doing well, and I was, sort of. Until I hit "Rock Bottom" did I truly see that I was not and could not manage my BPD on my own. It took me months of research and battles with myself to finally come to the decision to attempt the road to recovery once again. So here I am blogging like I used to when it helped me, attempting to figure out who I am or who I want to be not only for me but for my husband, and my kids as well.  I no longer want to live in that hole wishing for ways to not hurt or to cause hurt anymore. 

One of my biggest factors like I said my husband and kids. Mainly my oldest son T. He was diagnosed 2 years ago with ADHD and we've done everything that we can to keep him off medication at such a young age. But with all the research I've done about his diagnosis the more and more it points to not only ADHD (Almost to a t) but I see a lot of myself in him, and not necessarily good either. I see a LOT of my bipolar tendencies in him. For him they call that combination the Ring of Fire. How could I possibly attempt to get him the help he needs and deserves if I didn't seek my own help? How could I be such a hypocrite in such a way as that.

Yes it is a battle to find the right medication for myself, and I know that if/when we get to that point with T that it will be for him as well, but I want us as a family to heal, grow, and become the family that each of us deserves to have.

I'm rambling I know, but at this point I don't care because I am doing this for me. For once just once I am attempting to do something healthy for me and ultimately, my family.